At the expense of our daughters

Dear Dad,

It has been almost a year since your last-ever visit to my home.  Your Irish Spring soap is still in the shower and the lonely puzzle we worked on together in the garage waiting to be finished.  We didn’t have a lot of time together in this life, but I treasured what we had. 

I am changed since you have passed on, as so much has happened in our world.  I miss our super-real, grounding conversations we found together in our adult friendship, mostly avoiding politics due to hugely differing viewpoints.  I can’t help but wonder if another chance, perhaps before your mind was so clouded with pain, our do-over would be different.  

Growing up, I recall a time you felt you needed to take action to protect us — and you did everything you could to do so.  How would you have responded to my recent blog post about one of my assaults? I know it would pain you to realize the unseen damage to your daughter.   When Dr. Blasey Ford came forward with her testimony of assault, it was deeply and personally affecting.   Her story is tragically iconic. I related to it - down to the ability to both remember - and forget specifics from so long ago.  It was clear as day that *every*word* she said was real.  Would you be able to trust me and my life experience in that?  My 12 year old self felt every word she said, and was not prepared for what this unlocked.   

I became grateful my invasions were not worse, as they are for so many women around the world.   Imagine that — grateful.  I felt agonizing weight of so many women with violations so much worse who, are unable to speak up.  Solidarity.  Shame. Guilt for not speaking up sooner and responsibility to do so.  Emotions were raw for days and it became urgent for me to find a way to rise up and confront my assailants. 

I can’t help but wonder what our second chance might have looked like.  Dad, what if that was me testifying?  What if it was my body that Trump was talking about?  How would you feel then about the president for whom you previously defended? Would you still?  I could not shake the brazen dominance and privileged outrage of the Kavannagh voice and hearings; the victim shaming and bullying from our country’s leadership capitulating in our press; the desire for a far-right win at any cost.  At my cost, her cost, their cost.  Would it also have been at our cost? Maybe it is too late for us, but not for other daughters or fathers….