That Kid

There is a lot out there about anti-bullying for us parents to consider.  Written by an anonymous Warrior-Mom, I am honored to bridge this important voice. Here is her brave truth and a point of view to consider:

When my child was in second grade, we made several attempts to set up a playdate with a friend my child really enjoyed. Things always fell through. Eventually, the parent explained to me that she would no longer allow her child to play with my kid. She went on to explain in great detail why -- everything from bad parenting to “just a bad kid.”  My kid is a bad influence. She hoped I understood

Not long after, we moved my child to another school and I’m pretty sure he eventually heard the same thing there but won’t admit it. We know the signs: frequent playdates suddenly end because a family is just too busy, no expected invite to a birthday party, stormy looks in your kid’s eyes when you ask about a friend. Today, my heart broke at the look of deep sadness in my son’s eyes when he admitted that it was happening again at his third school

As a mom of “that kid,” I want parents to know what happens when you tell your child not to play with “that kid.” It’s not good. Kids can be cruel. The next time “that kid” attempts to join your child at recess, your child says “My parents say I can’t play with you anymore” and, most of the time, repeats exactly the reason you gave your child when you warned them off of “that kid.” Your child doesn’t think about the fact that all of his peers are standing right there next to him; your kid just blurts it all out. Those peers all start to think, “oh, maybe I should stay away from that kid, too. What would my parents say? I don’t want to get in trouble.” Before you know it, “that kid” has been ostracized from his entire peer group. What does that kid do? That kid wants acceptance so badly that he learns to thrive on negative attention. He accepts dares and acts without thinking because that makes people laugh and pay attention to him. The more his peers laugh at him and egg him on, the more trouble he gets into and, inside, the sadder he gets. As he gets older, he keeps those feelings hidden inside and becomes defiant and angry. Where does “that kid” end up in the long run? I hope I never have an answer to that question because the possibilities scare me.

My kid has issues with impulse control and ADHD. He’s a good kid. He’s smart and friendly. He loves to help. He has wide ranging interests and loves to learn about them. Most of our family and friends can’t believe the things he does and gets in trouble for.  They enjoy him and his company. They think he’s a good kid. On the other side of the coin, “We need to talk about your child’s behavior” was the way I was greeted almost every time I picked my son up at pre-school or summer camp when he was younger and I still hear it quite frequently from teachers, coaches and others. We have been working with doctors and therapists since he was quite young to figure things out. The meds that other kids in this situation might take caused serious side effects and we had to stop using them. As a result, most of our efforts have focused on behavioral adjustment. We have tried so many strategies and gone to so many parenting classes that our heads swim with options (most of which work for less than a week, if at all). Behavioral issues are complex and there is no simple answer. One thing I think is key, though, is peer support and understanding. My son and many “that kids” rely on their peers to reinforce what adults claim are appropriate behaviors and good choices. You are, hopefully, teaching your child strong moral values. You make sure they know right from wrong. “That kid” might be receiving the same instruction but may not take it seriously or may even question the validity of his parents’ offerings. The only person “that kid” may listen to is a peer. Parents need to trust their children to use the moral compass imparted to them and allow them to make their own decisions about friends. Encourage your child to use the values you have instilled in them be a good influence to their peers.