How to get your sleep-groove back- Part 1

I don’t cry easily.  But it was not that long ago that I was so desperate to sleep that when my child woke me up for what I swear was the tenth time calling out for me - for what I also swear was the tenth day in a row of the same - I laid in bed crying.  

Sleep deprivation for parents of special needs kids is a real thing. You are not alone.  I see social media posts from parents on this almost daily.    Speaking from experience, it can take a serious toll on your well-being.  There have been days where it seemed I could barely complete a thought.  And I am pretty sure the bags under my eyes are permanent now.   

If you are reading this, then you already know that your best chance of taking back your nights entails getting your child on the sleep train rails. I am here to tell you that taming the sleep monster can be done.  At under 5, our son’s ADHD/ADD diagnosis included extremely high energy, even for high energy kids.  (Doctor found he was double in all the neurotransmitters related to excitement, like epinephrine).  Visions of the book GTFTS danced in our heads (seriously).  Fast forward to 9 and he has learned how to fall asleep on his own and sleep through the night, even upon a late-night wake up.  We progressed from up to 2 hours of staying with him at bedtime to 10 minutes.  That didn’t happen overnight.  It was a long process with years of incremental steps forward.  Hopefully some of these tips will help smooth your own journey faster.

What makes this so very hard of course, is that each child is different. It took us a tremendous amount of methodical trial and error, commitment, patience and coffee to unlock the combination of solutions for us.  

Based on our own journey, there were two critical paths for the stars to begin aligning: 1) Recovery for the weary - and 2) routine.  That’s what’s covered in this post, Part One of two.  There are many other secret weapons that have worked for us and other families! Watch for Part Two for those nuts and bolts:  sights, sounds, bedding, devices, supplements, etc.

But first....YOU.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.  If your child has you on a roll of sleeplessness, get yourself recovery sleep breaks when needed.  It is as if you are on a plane and you have to use the oxygen mask first before you can protect your child. The best way to support your kiddo and get them on track is to help yourself to think straight.

Let your support system know when it is serious (perhaps share this article) so they can help you out.  Hire someone or find a special needs organization and ask for volunteers if you have to. If you have a parenting partner, set out a conscious path so you can share the Z’s-load.  For us, since my husband was working I handled all the weekday nightly wake ups.  But you can bet on the weekend there was a night off and relief, sleeping as late as needed. 

We found our other critical path is holding the line on a routine.  This can be a challenge when it seems like your child’s pattern is nonexistent or all over the place.  But when trying to find what will help your child sleep, it is important to identify routines that establish stability and structure - and repeat them every time. This serves as the “control” while exploring different tips and solutions to help your sweetie sleep.   Follow your parent-instincts to identify what that baseline looks like.

We practiced predictable cues that told kiddo’s eyes, body and brain it is time for bed.  No matter what action he took or where he was, we did the same things at the same time.  We always have the bedside table on and overhead light off (lights dimmed).  We always brush teeth and used the toilet first, and then get into bed and read.  We almost never had him leave his bed, instead we stayed there.  For us that was non-negotiable, so he was learning to sleep in his own bed. (We learned neither of us could sleep if our active-sleeper came to our bed.)

A big part of our pattern early-on was to model how to fall  asleep, since we had to be there anyway.  We called it “quiet time” and demonstrated laying down, breathing deeply on the bed, eyes closed, emphasizing quiet time in the dark.  As he achieved baby steps and his need for support waned, we pulled away in baby steps.  Eventually we left the bed and sat on the floor;  turned off the night time lights; sat outside of the room; etc.  We slowly and lovingly stretched him until he could read by himself and go to sleep.  

I can’t emphasize enough how much we leaned on having a persistent  structured routine.  Especially when he was pushing against it.  Stay the course with your routine, follow your instincts to hold the lines where you’ve made progress together.  For example,  once you’ve made it off their bed, try not go back on to help them go to sleep. (That was particularly hard for me wanting to cuddle with my son.  But I had to prioritize his own success and independence).  If we made exceptions, we made clear it was just that, and acknowledged that it was something he didn’t need anymore to go to sleep.  

Don’t panic if your a sleeping pattern is starting - and then it breaks down for a few days.  Sometimes a step back might be needed to move forward.

Communicate the routine to anyone who is involved in bedtime.  I’ve been known to make a checklist and double-check frequently with my husband to make sure we are all on the same track.

Once our son had a successful pattern established, over time as he’s gotten older we’ve been able to deviate from the routine.  But we do so very consciously and we are protective of everyone’s sleep.  

So while you are polishing up your baseline routine and considering the list of solutions you want to explore, I’ll be working on the next post to share the best of things that worked for us.  Until next time, I wish you a good night’s sleep friends.  (Find Part 2 here, full of tips and tools!)