How to get a Pandemic Pal
Here in Oregon, most folks we know are focused on on following stay-safe-in-home as much as they can while also supporting our local businesses as they can. And, each family is doing this differently. In other words, my safe-in-home may look different than yours. Our family’s level of protection is necessarily high with immunocompromised and older family members.
With a differently wired, highly social, only-child (who still enjoys creative pretend play) – even with friend screen-time – he was so lonely after a few weeks that I decided I had a find him a real-life buddy to maintain mental health. I just had to get it done. I’m no expert in these things, but we’ve had two quarantine buddy (q-buddy) families now and I’ve learned some that I can share.
But before I do, I need to say how rewarding the investment has been. There’s an overabundance of joy in watching your lonely child play with their buddy in the fort they just built together, play legos and nerf guns together, having someone to walk with, or even in playing video games side by side. There’s even more where that comes from, when you can sit down side by side with their mom in person and laugh and share cheese and clink glasses. I know we can all do without that if we have to, we’ve done it for sure. But these simple things can also bring so much joy during challenging times. So here’s how we are doing it:
No judgments: Everyone, absolutely everyone is making choices for their family on how/when/what to do in a scenario most of us have never had to navigate. It needs to be a safe back and forth conversation – parties need to feel safe having the conversation.
Make intentions clear: In our case, we need utmost transparency on your choices and commitment levels to self-quarantining so we can maintain the protection of our vulnerable family members – not because there is any judgement about your choices. It is simply critically important need-to-know information.
Is my self-quarantine the same as your self-quarantine? How is your social distancing different than mine? If you are going to expand your circle to another family(s), then you want to know what their circle looks like. Basically you are in the same circle. What do they do when they run errands or get groceries? When they see their family? When they check their mail? Do they social distance? Are they in social situations where people don’t wear masks or social distance?
Ask for a commitment to transparency and communication: What if your q-buddy family decides they can’t stand it any longer and they need to travel- or decides to physically help someone in need? Does that expose your family? What about if they decide to eat out or visit family? If their circle expands then so does yours. There is no need to put any judgement on the choice they make for their family in this scenario, but there is a need for communication so you can make choices for yours. You owe it to each other.
A for-the-moment solution: Be prepared that things will change and they are temporary. We had a q-buddy family whose needs and level of protection evolved to be different than ours. (Understandably, they needed to see their family and expand their circle.) Again, no judgement – but if their circle expands then so does ours and we want to make that choice for ourselves. Our current buddy-family asked us to keep the buddy thing to just them. We both agreed to that, but there may be a time where that needs to change for one of us. While it is a bummer, it is healthy to accept when/if it is time to move on.
Pick well: When we lost our first q-buddy family, we had to find a new one. We had a super short list of families we thought would be a good match. How important is staying-safe-in-home to them? Do you need to ask them to self-quarantine for two weeks first due to a higher level of exposure risk? How well do the kids know each other and get along? How well do us-parents get along? How much do we trust their level of communication and transparency? If they decline will everyone still be good? When we invited a family, we made it clear there was no judgement if they declined; we respected the choices they needed to make for their family.
Establish an understanding of socialization needs: The whole reason for doing this was mental health support for our kiddo. So we needed to find a family who could help us with that. We asked for a commitment of at least twice a week for the children to play in-person- and got it. Also, understanding their needs meant that we could help them too. It is nice to be able to give back to another family. In our case(s) -- giving the mom of two kids a peaceful break. It is a mutual gift our two families give each other.
House guests: Not the topic of this post, but suffice it to say when this pandemic first kicked off and a family member needed to stay with us to care for another relative, we had all these similar transparent conversations. We have another potential guest on the horizon who will be self-quarantining according to our levels of needed protection for two weeks before visiting. Sometimes these can feel fraught with heavy emotions but suffice it to say that establishing a common understanding of how you are protecting your household, and what you need in order to welcome them is an emotionally intelligent thing to do.
Some folks may think this is all not relevant for much longer, since a number of states and countries are opening up right now. That said, tragically, a number of those opened up countries just closed back down their schools due to rising Covid19 cases. And there is a LOT of math out there stating that the opened up states are already on the way to a second wave and summer isn’t even here yet. So in our family, we still find all of this self-quarantine stuff quite relevant.
Once we instituted regular visits with our q-buddy family during our stay-safe-in-home stint, I realized how much it supported my own mental health. In my case, at home with a high-social-needs only-child, I didn’t have solid blocks of time to not be “on” until after bedtime. While I enjoyed our time together, I didn’t realize how much that had been wearing on me. (I know how fortunate we are to have our health, an employed spouse and home. - so not complaining, rather just being real here.) The first time kiddo was in the other household, I had time in my house to myself to focus on something I wanted to do – it was a heavenly respite, as was wine and cheese hour I shared with the other mom. (It felt so NORMAL!!) I wish this gift on all the mom’s and hope these thoughts help you get there if you are self-quarantining. Cheers!