The Mother-Mental-Lode

I keep coming across the “mental load” concept via blog posts and social media. Have you seen it? It is about the overload of mindshare that Moms bear in order to keep their family’s lives aligned. It is very spot-on for many Moms. It is true, Mom’s live on a hamster wheel and they are pretty amazing. And as a society, we could all certainly do with partners sharing more of that burden. But every time I read about it I can’t help but think not only of all the single Moms out there, but even moreso of the Moms of differently wired or medically complex kids. And the contrast of what is described as the common mental load is pretty much comical because it is such a severe understatement for Moms of near-diverse children.

In some of the Social Media groups for parents of kids with different needs, the Moms are trying to figure out how to quit their jobs or reduce their hours to lighten the load. Which they can’t afford because of all the extra expenditures necessary to support their child. Many of these parents are desperate to unlock the mysterious secrets of their puzzling child, and if they have – they are just as desperate to then maintain the precious balance they’ve found as the child grows. They are unable to tell you just how much of a Jekyll and Hyde their child may feel like, since they are also their child’s fiercest advocate. They are grappling with whether or not to medicate their child and perhaps desperately trying to find the right meds for their child. They may still be as sleep deprived as the new mom feels with a super young child, and they may not be sharing that fact. They are struggling to find peaceful moments for themselves, and their family and their marriage.

They are probably researching for how to solve or manage their child’s sleep, diet, or social challenges. They may be at their wits end trying to get a morning routine in place that works. They may be wracking their brains to come up with a homework strategy. They are probably explaining to their child’s school for the 100th time that distracting fidgets are better than a distracting classmate. Or that whatever happened at school today was not on purpose, and not to take recess away; or perhaps trying to navigate the school system, a teacher without special needs training, or documentation that may provide for their child’s accommodations at school. They may be doing all of this without the support of their family or spouse.

Amidst all of this they are grateful that by some miracle there are clean clothes in the hamper (much less the drawer) and perhaps beating themselves up because its fast food for dinner again. They are grappling with the overall chaos that can be in their home with a differently wired child – as well as the rest of that aforementioned “mental load”. And because all this seems so overwhelming, frustrating and mind-numbingly mundane to them day-to-day, they are not sharing it with anyone... therefore they may also be super lonely.

They are also just as busy loving and supporting their wonderful gift of a child, cherishing and struggling to prioritize the important moments together. All the while ever-grateful to the inclusive teachers, doctors, special education angels, other helpful parents and children, family members, occupational therapists, behaviorists, pharmacists, cashiers or general good samaritans who help them manage to get through each and every day- so they can do it all again tomorrow. You know who you are. You are the scaffolding that supports these amazingly strong Moms as they take each necessary step.

So if you are one of these Moms, my hope for you is that you share this with your support group so that they can understand your world just a tad better. (Even if what you specifically grapple with day to day is different than what's listed here, there is more in common than not). Please know you are not alone and from the perspective of all the other Moms in the universe, YOU ARE A SUPERHERO. Nothing short of an awe inspiring good citizen of the world, even on your most challenging day. We are grateful for you. If you know one of these moms, my hope that you find a way to give them a break or even just a simple loving moment to tell them just how amazing they are.