What I remember - part one

I was in Junior high. School was out a few hours earlier...no one in the halls....

I am heavy hearted today, recalling my own experience as I hear our country ‘leaders’ dismissing assault allegations as “horseplay”. Would mine have been called that?

Believe Her

As I am writing this I am wracking my brain to remember details. But here’s how this works: I was in 7th grade so that means I was 12 or 13 years old – decades ago. I remember exactly. who.they.were. And what.they.did. Why are the details fuzzy? I was traumatized so they weren’t something I’d kept on my memory’s surface over the years. Time passed is not that different than Dr. Blasey’s. I am here to say it is futile fools work---grilling someone in that situation for details.

I can’t remember if it was the boys bathroom or the girls. I can’t remember if they chased me in there or if I was already in. WHO CARES about such details? But I do remember being pursued, cornered and pinned down by athletic boys much bigger than I. Boys who were popular and older – girls enjoyed having their attention. Boys who I thought didn’t see me, and I was stunned to realized maybe they had. Boys who thought I wouldn’t say anything…. and who were right. Maybe they didn’t even care.

I remember being pinned down firmly on the cold bathroom floor. Their tongues all over my face, neck and mouth — feeling suffocated. Their laughter ringing in my ears. I remember having no idea what to do. I honestly can’t remember if I yelled or if I struggled. I remember them suddenly jumping up and speeding off. Perhaps I’d lucked out that there were sounds in the hallway or something. Recently someone told me I should be grateful for that. It makes me sad that I should have gratitude, because after all it could have been worse. No big deal then right - what's to report?

I remember their wet saliva all over me, laying there frozen– and then gagging – and then getting up and trembling out of there - stunned – not even washing my face. I avoided telling anyone. I was so young I don’t think I really understood the impact of what had just happened. Feeling ungrounded, humiliatingly out of control of my own destiny and safety -- and articulating any of that seemed like it would make it more so. So I packed it away and did nothing.

When I look back at that little junior high school girl now, I see her so much more clearly. Looking away while passing those boys in the hall — for the next several years. Avoiding upperclassmen all the way through high school. In fact, avoiding attention from boys at school period. Crushes landed only on safe shy aloof boys. Hanging out with girlfriends — along with their male friends. But no male friends would ever get close. It took branching out beyond the school community for that young junior high girl to regain her grounding.

Given our country’s current dialogue — I can’t help but wonder if these boys were named, would they deny it? Would they apologize? How many fellow classmates and adults would think this was a made up story – and why would they think that might be the case?

- Today I am thinking about all the women who fear standing up to their aggressors and how it shapes them; how it shaped that junior high girl, how it shapes us as a society. My heart goes out to those who were not as ‘lucky’ and who are not able to do so.

- Thinking why defensive men might be so, rather than supporting their mothers, sisters, daughters, and friends. Thinking too of the women who support men like this. Who are you and what do you stand for? What if this was your son — or daughter?

- Hoping that parents of boys and girls are thinking hard about what is being normalized right now in the name of politics – what you are seeing in the news and how you are socializing it into our generations.

- Mourning the prospect of history repeating (again) this infuriating lines of questioning to Professor Hill.

- Today I am feeling in awe of brave victims who do serious conscious work, and then step up into the eye of this storm -- A tornado of privileged, un-evolved, short-sighted bullies who lack the wherewithal and skills to see outside of themselves to empath fear, pain and consequences. (If you are one, and your victim does this, is your chance to do heal and be better).

For all the other school girls and the women they become. For all the boys who hear this is ‘horseplay’ and ‘boys will be boys’. For all of us – Here’s hoping and praying this national dialogue is a tipping point. Thank you Dr. Blasey. Thank you Professor Hill. And thank you to all their kindred sisters for enabling us to have it. #WeBelieveYou #MeToo #StandingOnTheShouldersOfThoseBeforeUS #WhyIDidntReport

https://www.vox.com/…/brett-kavanaugh-confirmation-high-sch…

https://www.usatoday.com/…/brett-kavanaugh-case…/1344639002/